One Million Years B.C. (1967)

One Million Years B.C.

I’m not entirely sure why I decided to watch this film other than the fact that the movie poster pretty much draws you in.  I mean, who can resist Raquel Welch with blonde hair in a loin cloth?!  Even I cannot resist that.

As I was watching the film, I was trying to determine what the point of it was:  why?  why? why?  The only answer I could come up with was that it seemed to be an extension of the sword-and-sandal, or peplum, films of the late 1950s/ early 1960s.  Those films dealt with uber-masculine heroes of antiquity; they personified the independent male who seeks female companionship only for pleasure, and who avoids getting suckered into things like marriage or settling down.

But in One Million Years B.C. we don’t have the gross displays of masculinity in the traditional peplum sense, but rather a mixture of brute force (with the dark-haired tribe), and cleverness and intellectual ingenuity on the part of the blonde-haired tribe.  They meet, they clash, they live “happily every after.” 

They aren’t cave-men, but they do live in caves.  One complaint would be that in no way whatsoever was there any “truth” behind the presentation of the dinosaurs and other gargantuan things living alongside human beings at that time (like a giant iguana and tarantula).  So, one must take the film with the grain of salt required to suspend disbelief for a brief moment of enjoyment-for-enjoyment’s sake.

It had little to no dialogue, unless you count grunting and motioning towards things as analogs to dialogue.  They did use a few words, mainly for their Names and for objects.  But otherwise, very little but the annoying musical accompaniment to go along with their gruntings.

Perhaps the worst thing about the film was the music, or rather, racket.  Quite often there would be a weird crackling extra-diegetic din that wouldn’t be associated with anything in particular, but that would be distracting and annoying.  But, if that’s the worst thing about the film, that’s okay.

I suppose they all lived happily ever after in the end and they all figured out how to mesh their two tribes together.  Perhaps we can learn a lesson from this today: eventually, we must get along.

To answer my own question as to why this film was even made at all, I will simply say: Raquel Welch with blonde hair in a loin cloth.

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